A Misguided Guide to Los Angeles For Those Ready to Embrace Chaos

Paul Manser really puts himself into his writing. When reading the self-penned adventures and misadventures of the Melbourne-based travel scribe, you experience the destination and surrounds from his singular POV. The scenes he often sets have a shambolic, gonzo feel as though something is about to go terribly awry, with Paul giving huge main character energy as both narrator and observer.

Things often do go terribly awry and those breakneck narrative zags make for great stories, many of which are featured in his recently published collection of travel mini-memoirs Life Plans On Dive Bar Napkins, a series of stories that include a profane interlude at San Francisco's disgracefully under-recognised Hunky Jesus Contest, stinking out Pamplona due to an unfortunate case of missing luggage, and other incidents that imply Paul is fortunate to be alive and/or not incarcerated.

If you are planning a trip to Los Angeles in the coming months and would be interested in some sound, sensible advice on what to do, please do not read the following guide that Paul Manser kindly compiled for us.

The author Paul Manser on a bike

PAUL MANSER: Los Angeles is the suggestive, shapely leg that slips out from beneath conservative Middle America's full-length skirt. It is the kind of leg that shows enough skin to let you know there are good times to be had, but that you could have your bank account cleaned out for your indiscretions.

Not just a city built for good times, LA is also a magnet for aspiring movie stars who are drawn to the city like a mosquito, drunk on summer's blood, is to a caravan park's fluorescent blue bug zapper. You jump in an Uber and before you know it, you're listening to the CV of an out-of-work actor who played a lactose intolerant lifeguard in Baywatch for two episodes in the 90s, as they take you the long way from Santa Monica to West Hollywood just to make a few extra dollars. 

With so many people waiting to be 'discovered', it can be a little hard to find the real Los Angeles these days; the city the locals live. To help, here's my guide that you may (or may not) want to follow:

Santa Monica pier by Vincentas Liskauskas via Unsplash

WHERE TO GO

On my first visit to LA I was told don't drink the tap water, avoid hiking Runyon Canyon in flip flops and don't ever, under any circumstances, be out in Downtown LA after dark unless you are so enamoured with acupuncture you're willing to let a teenager poke you with a blunt knife for the contents of your wallet. 

However, things have changed.

These days Downtown LA is so cool the ice wouldn't melt on the sidewalk in a mid-afternoon heatwave. With some of the most innovative restaurants in the city like 71Above, amazing rooftop bars like Upstairs at The Ace, boutique designer hotels and an abundance of skinny-jeaned, bushranger bearded locals, downtown LA is now the place to go to eat, get rowdy and find a drinkable coffee the day after — which is no mean feat in America.

Upstairs at The Ace, The Ace Hotel Los Angeles via The Ace Hotel

WHERE TO DRINK

If New York is the city that never sleeps, LA is where the beautiful people doze in seal-placenta face masks before spending their days doing hot yoga, discussing the latest colonic hotspot and looking fabulously bored poolside at one of the many party hotels of West Hollywood. While the city is undoubtedly glamorous, any self-respecting traveller with a thirst to quench will forgo the latest Insta-famous rooftop restaurant to trawl the city's bars of yesteryear.

Sunset Boulevard's infamous Viper Room, Whisky a Go Go and Rainbow Bar and Grill have seen stars come and go and given birth to many a road trip playlist's favourite band, including Guns 'N' Roses. Don't assume that because the venues are a little less polished, that your night will be devoid of celebrities, although the high-profile patrons may be less 'washed' and more 'washed up' these days. 

That is not to say that you won't be rewarded for seeking out a more sophisticated drinking environment.

Located in downtown LA, The Wolves is a spectacularly overindulged Parisian-style cocktail bar featuring Tiffany glass ceilings. The dark, moody bar features more wood and dark leather than you'd find in a friendly neighbourhood BDSM swingers club. The Wolves draws an eclectic crowd on the weekends with a cocktail list as long as the security line at LAX, but if you really feel adventurous let one of the bartenders guide your evening. That way at least you'll know who to blame when you wake up in the morning full of regret.

The Wolves at Downtown LA, image via The Wolves

WHERE TO EAT

While sucking down a wheatgrass and kale smoothie next to Billie Eilish as she chews on a raw vegan lasagne at Crossroads Kitchen might seem peak Los Angeles, you're probably going to need something more substantial (and a bit greasier) to soak up the booze. Try the ramen burger at Tatsu Ramen (if it is on the menu at the time.) A glorious artery-clogging delicious patty of beef sandwiched between to ramen noodle buns. Five stars.  

WHERE NOT TO STAY

Last time I stayed in LA, I awoke to sunlight piercing the soft mustard surrounds of a hotel room that self-proclaimed three stars, but that would soon be on the receiving end of a biting TripAdvisor review I was penning in my mind. Four paragraphs alone were to be dedicated to reporting the hotel owner to the war crimes tribunal in The Hague over the fluorescent purple shower curtain that would burn holes into the retinas of small children. 

Then I decided that a negative review was not enough. No. A parody webpage dedicated to a hotel room that went missing in the 1970's was more fitting. It would include photos and satirical descriptions for how best to recognise the room. "ATTENTION: Be on the lookout for a hotel room with a burn mark in the two-tone green carpet resembling a snake making love to The Leaning Tower of Pisa. A stain that looks like the outline of where a jockey had been murdered with an ice cream scooper. And a bible with a series of stunningly accurate genitalia drawn throughout." 

Honestly, I'd tell you where this hotel was in LA, but I don't want to be sued. So maybe just avoid every hotel in the city to be safe and stay in an Airbnb instead.

This guest house looks pretty good:

WHERE TO BE SEEN

LA is one of those cities where you go not only to see, but to be seen. With more instantly recognisable faces big screen packed into a few square miles than anywhere else in the world, paparazzi-dodging-people-watching can resemble a bloodsport at times. But what fun is merely watching others get all of the attention? Where can you go to not only watch others, be a part of the action yourself?

Chateau Marmont is a place of celebrity legend. It's where Led Zeppelin rode motorcycles through the lobby in the 1960s and one of the first places to ban Lindsay Lohan from entry. These days drinking poolside at Chateau still offers up a decent chance of lounging next to brutally hungover, non-communicative, blood-shot eyed celebrity. If the Chateau sounds like the spot for you, maybe pack a pair of reflective Ray-Bans so you can get a good look at everybody, without coming across as some crazed stalker. 

AND, WHERE TO ESCAPE TO

Los Angeles is a hot mess. The city is impossible to cross at peak hour and realistically you shouldn't attempt using the public transport unless contracting dysentery is on your bucket list. Sometimes it's a city you just need to get away from. But where to? While the internet is plastered with images of celebrities escaping to sun themselves on the beaches of Malibu, those looking for a piece of old Hollywood glamour should head inland to Palm Springs.

A playground for the icons of Hollywood in the golden age of cinema, Palm Springs was the place that fabled celebrities like Marilyn Monroe and Dean Martin came to escape Los Angeles. A sun drenched desert Oasis, these days travellers come to Palm Springs to admire its mid-century modern architecture, for mammoth music festivals like Coachella and Stagecoach and relax and people watch poolside in one of the many impeccably styled hotels which appear to have jumped straight out of a photo-spread in a design magazine.

Palm Springs by Cody Board via Unsplash

Paul Manser's book Life Plans On Dive Bar Napkins is available from various book stores or you can order it from Dymocks. For more of Paul's travel tales visit his website.

Main image by Jake Blucker via Unsplash.