It's official, Australia is going to be reppin' the glitter cannons, human-sized hamster wheels and furious fog machines at the 2015 Eurovision Song Contest. This morning, Australia has been announced as one of the competing countries for this year's contest, and we're even allowed back next year — if we win. Too kind. Australians will even be able to vote, probably at some whack hour of the day. Making a world stage of Vienna this time around, Eurovision is taking place from May 20 to 24, with the final exploding all over Stadthalle arena on May 23.
So who's going to be our shining star, our glittering messenger to an estimated global audience of 195 million? Not Jessica Mauboy, who performed in last year's event with weird astronauts and dancers in budgie smugglers. Nope. While SBS is suggesting AC/DC and Midnight Oil (and Olivia Newtown John for some ungodly reason), we've got a few pitches of our own to make. Eurovision is about simultaneously bringing new faces to the world and earning ner-ner-ner-ner bragging rights for your country. Finland dressed up as orcs and played epic metal. Moldova danced in a circle with weird cone hats on. Germany put a disco Genghis Khan on stage. Let's show 'em.
If you've ever seen this Sydney maestro of groove live, you'll know Europe wouldn't be able to resist his seductive synthy basslines, sax solos and crisp white tuxedo jackets. If Benet had been the brains behind France's 'Moustache' track last year, they'd have earned a few more points.
KIRIN J CALLINAN
Because if we're going to meet the quirk of Eurovision halfway, we need Kirin. Things would undoubtedly get freaky. Plus, he'd give Conchita Wurst's beard a run for its money.
Monte Morgan and Harvey Miller would 'Feed the Rhythm' inside 12 easy points from Malta with their applaudable live show. Plus, Monte wears a lot of mesh and Eurovision loves mesh.
The Grammy nominee would get 12 points for vocal range or oversized wig alone, but she'd probably bring along her dancetastic buddy Maddie Ziegler who would seal the deal.
Look, the kid's bloody talented, super fun live and if we could win Eurovision with a teenage rapper from Adelaide, we'd run the world.
Certified king of dancing like no-one's watching, primed for the Eurostage after jigworthy escapades such as this killer video.
UPDATE 11/2: Well, well, well. A dark horse joins the race. There's now a huge surge in support for a petition on Change.org, calling for the reunion of landmark Australian rock band TISM specifically to represent Australia at Eurovision 2015. "Since you left us in 2004, we've had a never ending parade of gormless depressing electro-indie, depressing indie-folk, and depressing Aussie hip-hop," say the petitioners. "We the undersigned, ask that you get on stage in front of the world and remind them of just how great Australian music is." They're up to over 500 signatures already. Want to add yours?