Overview
We all do it. We dive into the New Year with optimistic outlooks, making promises to ourselves that, this year, we will 'be good'. After the annual celebratory free-for-all that is the holiday period, it's no surprise that these goals usually relate to diet, fitness and healthier living. But let's get real here: few of us actually stick to our resolutions. So in acknowledgment of the fact that rules are built to be broken, here are our top ten venues to nudge yourself gently off the wagon with beautiful, beautiful comfort food. Besides, you can always sign up for CrossFit next year. Or not.
WINDSOR HIGH TEA
What better way to reclaim your class after a trashy NYE than with a triple tier stand of ribbon sandwiches? The grandiose spread at Hotel Windsor's high tea ($69-89) is well worth giving up your eating restrictions for — even those with dietary requirements have been known to forgo doctor's orders and suffer the consequences. Still worth it. Begin with a little French bubbly while you enjoy the crispness of the white tablecloths, before packing your plate with treasures from their mammoth display of desserts. Don't forget to dip them all in the chocolate fountain for good measure. It's like being at a patisserie and being able to take a bite out of every cake in the cabinet.
111 Spring Street, Melbourne, (03) 9633 6004, hotelwindsor.com.au
TINNIES AT HATS & TATTS
South Melbourne's Southern Cross Hotel with be reopening in the New Year as Hats & Tatts: a heels-up hotspot that celebrates all the best qualities of your local, informal dive bar without the bogans or fisticuffs. It's unlikely you come across a Southern Cross tatt in this new venue, or a suit for that matter — with Jason Chan (of West Winds Gin and Plenty) leading the pub's re-brand, it looks like it's losing its former frumpiness and letting proceedings roll a bit loose. So if your new year resolution was to act like a responsible adult, give up now — they're flagging $5 Jack Daniels, pinball, and a beer-in-can-only policy (craft beer enthusiasts need to understand now that this will be an aluminium-only zone, so don't come expecting a bespoke bottled brew). Dress code: no squares.
78 Cecil Street, South Melbourne, 0431 292 375, facebook.com/hatsandtatts
CHIN CHIN'S 'FEED ME' MENU
Not that they need further promotion at this point, but credit where credit's due — and we think it should still be paid to the game-changing hospitality powerhouse that is Chin Chin. Offering what's arguably the best value banquet in town ($69), 125 Flinders Lane is a continuous convoy of Asian-inspired dishes off the a-la-carte menu, such as kingfish sashimi and sticky, caramelised pork, there's not a filler to be found. Plus, they won't stop serving until you tell them to. Those who can withstand the epic wait (the restaurant is no-bookings and absurdly popular) will be richly rewarded, and possibly rolled home.
125 Flinders Lane, Melbourne, (03) 8663 2000, chinchinrestaurant.com.au
DELI SANDWICHES AT LONGHORN SALOON
It's becoming hard to cultivate any top 10 list without slipping Le Bon Ton in there somewhere, but now we've got an alternative option. Owners, the Balleau brothers (pictured), will be opening a 'deli and rock n roll saloon' (whatever that means) in Carlton in February, and if their former ventures are anything to go by, it will be a cracker of a success. Smoked meat and sandwiches will build the backbone of this New York-style venue, with Five Points Deli downstairs and Longhorn Saloon up top. You'll get a month or so to stick to your resolutions … at which point you'll definitely deserve a stack of cold-cuts and pat on the back.
Upstairs at 118 Elgin St, Carlton (opening February)
CHINA BAR BUFFET
Crispy Roast pork! Peking duck! Baked scallops, curries and steaks! It's all here at China Bar Signature. Yum cha favourites — including pork and chive dumplings and steamed buns — can be collected by the basket, while the seafood selection (which is laid out in mountains of oysters, prawns and smoked salmon) is shockingly fresh-tasting. Furthermore, at the sashimi bar you'll get your chosen sea creatures sliced on command. Don't make the potentially devastating mistake of going too hard too soon and not leaving room for the shelves of dessert showcased along the wall. Problem of the first world.
222 Exhibition St, Melbourne (also Burwood East and Epping locations), 03 9988 7778, chinabarsignature.com
MIDDAY KOREAN AT CJ LUNCH BAR
Seating is cramped and there's no table service, but the favourable portion-to-price ratio at CJ Lunch Bar explains the popularity of this tiny Korean cafe. Their lunch special bento is only $8.90, so if you're going to ruin your New Year's healthy eating plan, may as well go all out and order two. In any case, do not leave without ordering a sizzling plate of chicken bulgogi and cheese ($16.50), which arrives on a sizzling hot plate to ensure maximum melting conditions.
Shop 2/ 391 Little Lonsdale Street, Melbourne, (03) 9602 1155
THE HUNGARIAN'S MONSTER SCHNITZEL
Don't even begin to contemplate how much butter and oil has gone into the dishes, spoilsport. This is home-style Eastern European cooking at its fattening finest. Dumplings, goulash and the odd 450g monster schnitzel ($25.90) should satisfy for starters. For mains, tackle the Gypsymix: pork schnitzel, chicken schnitzel, smoked Krasnoyarsk and chevaps served on a plate full of fries and the odd green leaf ($33.90). In fact, it's worth visiting The Hungarian just to read their cheeky menu alone.
362 Bridge Road, Richmond, 0421 993 132, thehungarian.com.au
INDULGE IN FINE LIQUOR AT WHISKY AND ALEMENT
So you've decided to quit drinking and detox in 2015; great work. But that's also going to be a problem, because it will severely restrict your ability to enjoy fine whisky. Now, we're not encouraging you to throw back shots of Jameson while challenging fellow patrons to an arm wrestle — but — a quiet and respectable dram in mood-lit and romantic surrounds would be a fine way to undo any dry spell. If you're going to surrender your personal pact, do it with single malt and an optional bowl of smoked almonds.
270 Russell Street, Melbourne, (03) 9654 1284, whiskyandale.com.au
EAT COMPETITIVELY AT HOFBRAUHAUS
We've seen many a German beer house (haus?) appear around Melbourne recently, but Hofbräuhaus has been around for years, and remain the only venue to issue a whopping schnitzel challenge to competitive diners. Book ahead if you want to tackle this one, because they'll need some time to cook up your 1.5kg pork schnitzel — taken alongside a big 'ol bowl of chips and a litre of beer, no less. Consume every last bite on your own order to win your money back, and gain a victory t shirt. For the less aspirational, a hunk of crumbed camembert with lingonberry ($14.50) or a traditional serve of bratwurst sausages with mashed potato and sauerkraut ($26.50), should appease any New Year hunger pains you may have.
18-28 Market Lane, Melbourne, (03) 9663 3361, hofbrauhaus.com.au
THE B.EAST BURGER
Thrusting their doors open on 1 Jan and inviting the New Year's Day debris inside, you can rely on The B.East to jut a swift left hook at any New Year's resolve regarding diet or sobriety. Don't bother with entrees and go immediately to the BEAST BURGER, which slaps together a triple beef patty, triple serve of bacon, chilli-cheese sauce and token slices of salad ingredients ($18). Add fries. Take the timed eating challenge if you want your name up on the wall, but it's also recommended to just at your leisure for the quality feed it is. A cherry shake ($7.50) would also be an excellent idea at this point; smashed maraschino cherries, coconut flakes, chocolate syrup and whipped cream. Shake hack: ask for added booze. It's going to be a great year ahead.
80 Lygon Street, Brunswick East, (03) 9036 1456, theb-east.com