Jessica Biel says that marrying Justin Timberlake was irrelevant to getting a presenter’s gig.
Liam Neeson looks genuinely surprised he wasn’t nominated for anything.
Goldie Hawn tells Kate Hudson that she should give Matthew McConaughy a call now that he’s all respectable and accomplished.
Anne Hathaway makes a rambling joke about rambling in her acceptance speech last year (three drinks if she also sings).
Joaquin Phoenix brings a “Galaxy S5 – new from Samsung!” as his date.
Amy Adams says it was awkward to be upstaged by her own cleavage in American Hustle.
Kerry Washington mentions the potential for “scandal”.
Emma Watson refers to the “magic of filmmaking”.
Bendict Cumberbatch, referencing Smaug, is disappointed to be surrounded by golden statues he can’t keep himself.
Three Drinks
Jack Nicholson wears sunglasses and an Indiana Jones hat.
Harrison Ford wears an earring, sunglasses, and an Indiana Jones hat.
Ellen conducts a divorce of some of the couples who were married at Grammys but have found marriage to be “overrated”.
Winner thanks Allah or Mohammed.
Winner pays tribute to the late, great Paul Walker.
Losing nominee mouths “fuck” when the winner is announced.
Non-human presents an award.
Congratulatory kiss or embrace from presenter “gets awkward”.
Keanu Reeves throws a tantrum because they are re-making Point Break.
Chris Hemsworth says he’s shocked that Liam and Miley’s engagement didn’t work out.
Jonah Hill is reminded that he’s a two-time Oscar nominee and chuckles, “Who’s ‘super bad’ now, Michael Cera?”
Naomi Watts congratulates Robin Wright on her engagement (five drinks if she also notes that Ben Foster is not quite young enough to be either of their sons).
Jared Leto and Lupita Nyong’o win and make out on stage.
The Lone Ranger wins for Best Visual Effects and everyone is just confused.
Daniel Day-Lewis says he’d give his left foot to have Phillip Seymour Hoffman back.
Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd dress as Ghostbusters to farewell Harold Ramis (five drinks if Ernie Hudson also gets on stage).
Jospeh Godon-Levitt or Tyler Perry makes a reference to marriage equality, Jason Collins, Michael Sam, or the Arizona veto.
Five Drinks
Ellen announces that presenters do not have to hand over awards to any winner who is ... from Arizona.
Gravity wins an award and Neil DeGrasse Tyson rushes the stage to protest.
John Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson take Christoph Waltz hostage, demanding that Quentin Tarantino make them relevant again.
“Jackass” and “the Oscar goes to...” are used in the same sentence.
Chiwetel Ejiofor or Michael Fassbender notes that it’s a bit weird that the two main actors in a movie about American slavery are English and German.
