Grumpy Old Women: Fifty Shades of Beige

There's no escaping that demon Time.  It marches on us all without giving a fig for status or aspirations, leaving us crotchety, grey of pube and saggy of boob. But while we can't escape getting older, there's no need to take wrinkles, forgetfulness and purple leggings lying down.

Indeed, I plan on going out kicking Old Man Time in a goolies while laughing hysterically.  I'm not alone in wanting to grow old disgracefully and at full speed. Hoisting up their granny knickers and giving you a piece of their minds are the Grumpy Old Women in their show Fifty Shades of Beige.

Based on a BBC radio show by Jenny Eclair and Judith Holder that exposed the inner workings of the perpetually pissed-off older lady, Kiwi grumpies Geraldine Brophy, Jude Gibson and Lynda Milligan are bringing their brand of gold card welding justice to the Opera House for one night only as part of a nationwide tour.

Learn the tricks of growing old disgracefully from the grand masters - from lady-beards to nagging, grumpy grooming to HRT, Fifty Shades of Beige offers a rare window onto the menopausal mind, and by all accounts it's a maelstrom of estrogen replaced strop.

If you, like me, fully intend to morph into that copper haired wonder Geraldine Brophy when you grow up, I can't imagine a better place to begin your training than at the feet of the Guru herself.