The Reuben Road Test

In case you haven't noticed, a small food fad has hit cafes and pubs around town. The Reuben sandwich has arrived and you should be excited. For those of you that enjoy a meat-free, gluten-free, bread-free, fun-free sandwich, this probably isn't the thing for you.

The humble Reuben first came into being from one of two stories. It was either invented by a one Reuben Kulakofsky, a Lithuanian-born grocer from Omaha, Nebraska, or Arnold Reuben, the German owner of the once famous, now defunct Reuben's Delicatessen in New York City. Either or, I'm not fussed. I'm just happy it exists. The sandwich itself is a delicious hot pile of corned beef, Swiss cheese with Russian or Thousand Island Dressing and sauerkraut served between grilled or plain slices of rye bread.

My first and best Reuben was from one of the best places to get it: Katz's Deli, New York, made famous for this scene in When Harry Met Sally. (Note Billy Crystal is actually eating a Reuben)

Delicious, huh?

Here's what it should look like and, to me, is a 10/10:

We've decided to road test some of the places in Sydney who are peddling their version of this rad sanga.

MONTY'S

It's funny; looks can be deceiving. I think I sort of experienced the sandwich shop equivalent of She's All That. Monty's is a nondescript cafe situated across the road from Eastgate Shopping Centre in Bondi Junction. They do a nice array of mixed sandwiches. One even has prawns in it. Prawns! What am I, The Queen? Ha! (Wipes a laughter tear from eye.) They're made with thick-cut bread, crusty baguette or toasted panini baked in-house daily. The happily enthusiastic waiter advised I go for white bread. They do no rye (lose points).

The bread is buoyant, baby. Biting into it, I close my eyes and see myself using it as a flotation device in a world where the ocean is made of hot, hot gravy. There's a lot of finely sliced corn beef, which would be great if I wanted cold slices to pack my little lunch with. Lose points. Nice slaw and correct cheese. What? Mayo instead of Russian dressing! That's....Lose points. The pickles are nice but they're little baby things that little babies would eat with their little baby gums. Lose points. Look, it's a very nice-looking and great tasting sambo, but it's kinda like buying a Kia instead of a Porsche. It's safe, reliable, has plenty of soft cushions, airbags, meat and slaw; however, it just hasn't got the vroom that a Porsche can give. I want a Porsche and I want it NOW!

The coffee's great and the place has that fresh-made bread smell which, speaking of cars, would be an awesome scented car tree smell. Price: $9.50. Rating: 7.5/10.

52 Spring St, Bondi Junction

RUBY & RACHEL

Set in the Bondi Markets, Ruby & Rachel make two great takes on the Reuben. Firstly, the Reuben with freshly cooked corned wagyu beef, and secondly, the Rachel, using Pastrami instead of the beef. There's also a vego option, but I slapped the owner in the face and ordered my Reuben rather than write down the deets. My first Reuben in NY, which is my benchmark, had both pastrami and corned beef on it, and I will ask for that next time. Their corned beef was great, though maybe a tad too salty — or was that the sauerkraut? Mine needed more dressing. The rye was toasted and a tad too crunchy. First-world problems aside, this is a great sandwich. Price: $10 plus you can go market browsing afterwards and buy macarons. Rating: 8/10.

Bondi Markets

REUBEN HILLS

So this is the 'Reuben' from Reuben Hills in Surry Hills. It's their 'almost a Reuben' Reuben — good disclaimer. Now, as a sandwich this is damn tasty — hell, I'd give it an 8/10 for taste — but it ain't a Reuben yo! (No idea why I've gone all Jesse from Breaking Bad...) It's the Milli Vanilli of Reubens. This showed up, and the real Reuben is somewhere else, sunning itself on a yacht in the Caribbean living off its album royalties. The meat is succulent, warm awesomeness but it's wagyu beef, not corned beef. The pickled vegetable and mayo combo works, but these aren't the droids I am looking for. The bread is topnotch, but the thing is the size of two sliders, and for $16 I left bereft and hungry. Sorry folks, but to rate it as a Reuben, I give it 6/10. By the way, their coffee is great and staff are super cool.

61 Albion St, Surry Hills

SLOANE'S

Sloane's Cafe apparently used to be an institution on Oxford Street, serving shoppers and locals alike for over 20 years. In hindsight, I shouldn't have ordered. For one good reason: They couldn't spell Reuben correctly on the blackboard. I now have a new rule: If you can't spell it, I won't eat it. They also had us sitting next to the kitchen bin, which was being poorly camouflaged by a framed picture of a giraffe licking its baby giraffe on top of its head. Thick crusty rye cut the roof of my mouth up so much I could've entered it as an extra in a slasher flick. The meat was apparently corned beef, but didn't taste it. The slaw was homemade and sweet, not sour and savoury. Sweet I tells ya. And there was too much cheese and dressing, a molten flow of melted mess dripping down my hands. It was almost a dressing sandwich. I feel confused and dirty like I did at the end of The Crying Game. Service is slow. The coffee is weak. Meh. Price: $12. Rating: 4/10.

312 Oxford St, Paddington

REUBEN & MOORE

Reuben & Moore is set on the fifth floor of the CBD Westfield. You may look like you're on a shopping montage as you hike up the escalators, but it's worth it. These guys don't mess around. The meat is there hanging on hooks, cooking. The salad and pickles splayed out before you in a long, glass case. You're there for this sandwich. Awesome. The guy cutting the rye is reprimanded on how thick the bread should be cut. Very cool. But wait, no Russian dressing? Only mustard? There's Russian salad on the Rachel? But..... I don't care. I'm drunk on meat with my horns in the air! This beast is long, like a delicious, meaty boat. The rye is superb, so soft and untoasted, like an angel's bosom. (NB: angel's bosom ain't good toasted.) The crunchy pickle is also long and sliced lengthways in the sambo. Although the meat stack pales in comparison to NY, it's still warm, although for some reason (and I don't like to throw this word around very often) not moist enough. That's where the dressing would be much appreciated, my little rock pig. Good use of slaw and cheese. I'm taking half off for no dressing, half off for not enough flesh and half off for price. Best yet! Price: $14.50. Rating: 8.5/10. Rock!

Westfield CBD

T's Book Cafe

Apparently once owned by a contestant on Masterchef, T's is a library cafe combining two of my fave things: eating and walking away from library cafes. It was pre-made and wrapped — alarm bells. Cold meat, no pickle, grated cheese (apparently Swiss), spindly slaw and the Russian dressing was solid like buttery custard. Plus the bread was soy and quinoa. Run for the hills! They must have some pretty good books. Price:$9.5. Rating: 0/10

136-138 Avoca St, Randwick

The Forresters

I remember, back in the day, when Forresters did $5 steaks at lunch. Way back when things like the wheel were being invented. How things have changed. This Reuben was stingy on the beef (one cold slice that looked like it had been pulled straight out of a packet) but had a nice slaw, sauce and pickle combo going. Boring, grilled bread gone cold and also cold chips. This meal reminded me of an overpriced room service dish you'd order hungover when staying in an interstate hotel. Yes, you stuff those solid, cold fries into your face in an attempt to soak up all the regret from the night before, but invariably you always feel empty and alone afterwards. I ate this at 1pm sans hangover and sans satisfaction. Apparently they do a great burger though. Price: $10. Rating: 5/10

336 Riley St, Surry Hills

FELIX

Felix is nestled in Ash Street laneway, across from the elevators that lead you up in to Ivy. It has that elegant French bistro style down pat. Somebody told me, so this must be fact, that they modelled it on Balthazar in New York. It certainly does have the same vibe. I had heard some good things about this Reuben and mon dieu it truly is tres bien. Served in between some slightly toasted, thickly cut dark rye are nice hunks of warm corned beef. Mmm boeuf. The sauerkraut and swiss cheese are spot on and the pickle is large, sliced in half and served on the side.

Everything is as it should be except for one small, tiny, faible thing. It has slightly seeded mustard which after a few bites cleared my sinuses better than any hard-hitting nasal spray ever could. Personally, I feel you need the Thousand Island dressing to counter the saltiness of the beef and the sourness of the sauerkraut. They all work perfectly together. Yes, the rye was dark, but I was willing to let it slide as it wasn't too overpowering in flavour as some can be. is it wasn't for the mustard, this would've been, 'ow you say, the creme de la creme of Reubens. Bit pricey, too. Price: $18. Rating: 8/10

2 Ash St, Sydney