Eight Things We Now Know About Emporium Melbourne

The corner of Swanston and Lonsdale Street seems to have been a permanent construction zone for the past few years. Any attempt to shortcut through the cosmetics section of Myer or run to catch a train from Melbourne Central was always met with a hoard of men in high-vis vests yelling at us; directing us through makeshift walkways like some kind of metropolitan cattle. Now we know why.

Emporium Melbourne is the CBD's newest shopping destination. With 225 stores (175 of which are currently open) spread over seven levels, this mall is a goliath. Though open less than a week, it's already making a name for itself in the realms of architecture and design, high fashion, and gourmet food courts. And, while other retailers shut up shop for a lazy Easter weekend, this dark horse utilised the break as its opening weekend. For those that wisely chose not to brave the crowds, here's the lowdown on the mysterious giant: eight things we now know about Emporium Melbourne.

It's come from outer space to enslave us all

The future is usually a thing that creeps up on you. For instance, no one remembers the exact moment Sony Walkmans became obsolete. One day it just became normal to own a tiny futuristic magic pod, wear fedoras, and pull stupid poses. Upon stepping inside the holy archways of Emporium Melbourne there will be no mistake you have just been transported to the future. In fact, with its clean minimalist sheen and intricate near op-art fittings, we're inclined to go one step further. This super mall of tomorrow has been sent down from the cosmic ether by retail-loving extraterrestrials to hold us all hostage. Within its confines you will feel inexplicably compelled to throw your money at Australian designers and serenely glide towards the sky on a blissful wave of metal (what you Earthlings once called escalators).

It's the anti-Chadstone

With no K-Mart, McDonalds or KFC, Emporium Melbourne is a mall that even anti-mall people can get behind. Centre manager Steve Edgerton told Broadsheet the retail space was developed as something uniquely "Melbourne", and on that they do not disappoint. With raw timber complementing a clear and sparse aesthetic, the space has been expertly designed by renowned architects The Buchan Group. The stores, which have a large focus on quality independent designers, ensure there is no Supre or Big W in sight. And the food court is a carefully curated selection of local favourites including I Love Pho and South Melbourne Market Dim Sims. If Chadstone is for the embarrassing bogans of the outer suburbs, Emporium Melbourne is Fitzroy latte sippers HQ. There are clothing stores with baristas frothing Bonsoy next to terrariums, for God's sake.

There's no way out and no one can hear you scream

However, there is one very crucial way in which it is similar to Chadstone — there is basically no way out. By entering its doors you unconsciously surrender to its whims and, if you ever want to get out, it's best to commit an hour or two to your escape. Of course this is somewhat due to the sheer size of this beast. Not only does Emporium Melbourne cover seven levels, it spans the length of six football fields and travels all the way from Bourke Street to LaTrobe. But it also corners you in with pedestrian footbridges seamlessly connecting you to both Myer and David Jones. During my visit on opening weekend, I gave up on conventional means, joined the queue to enter Uniqlo (yep, there was a queue) went up a level in store, then made good my escape via a manned fire exit. Good luck.

You can't fault the fashion

The recent opening of Swedish retailer H&M at the GPO has kicked the Melbourne fashion stakes into hyperdrive, but Emporium Melbourne has hit back hard. Most notable of their many fashionable findings is the Japanese clothing giant Uniqlo. Over two packed levels, this neatly ordered world of quality budget pieces (think decent wool knits for $29) will no doubt change the way many of us shop this season. Other stores open ahead of the full launch in August include Gorman, Zimmerman, Manning Cartell, Karen Millen, Calvin Klein and Sass & Bide. You can't go wrong with any of the offerings, but we recommend you listen to this while strutting around the endless shopfronts.

It's really really really ridiculously good looking

With its constantly reiterated branding, 'Emporium Melbourne: Reimagined' it's clear to see this retail giant is trying to reignite the often tired space of the mall. This is done not only by the futuristic and well-executed architectural design, but also the shops themselves. There will be no heaps of discount clothing or messy, unattended counters in these stores — everything is so tightly curated it feels like a pop-up. In what must be a painstaking process for shop attendants, there are two of each magazine on display in MagNation; each separated by perfectly even spaces on the timber shelves. The new Aesop store, though always beautiful in both its Fitzroy and CBD locations, offers free samples of its luxurious body balm to Emporium shoppers walking by. Your trip to the mall will quickly turn into a mission to become as beautiful as your surroundings.

Even the food court is pretty

Food courts are usually a terrible insight into humanity. Sweating middle-aged men are hunched over super-sized meals in neon packaging. There's usually an exhausted single mother screaming at her caffeinated child to calm down. You watch all of this while shamefully demolishing some oil-drenched faux-Asian cuisine or ironically named Happy Meal while trying to avoid eye contact from your fellow man. Emporium Melbourne is different. In what they're trying to coin a 'cafe court', the top floor of the structure houses the likes of Pho Nom, EARL, Ramen Ya and The Tea Salon. Asian street food plays a big role in the re-imagined food court, and its moves towards health and quality have been praised by none other than Masterchef's own George Colombaris.

It's a little cocky

Of course, this all comes with a certain amount of ego. It takes a lot of gusto to open a super mall in an economy where consumers are turning more and more towards online shopping. And its takes even more gall to announce yourself 'A Melbourne Icon' after being open only a matter of days. It's like when someone tries to give themselves a nickname — just let it happen naturally, bro. Confidence, of course, isn't a bad thing and we give credit where credit's due. But if it truly wants to be a 'Melbourne' destination, it could at least muster a humblebrag.

We're going to give it all our money anyway

It's just that winter's coming, you know? It's hard to say no to beautiful retail shrines that are willing to give us quality Japanese jumpers, locally designed leather boots and South Melbourne Market dim sims for $2 a pop. You know it's true.

Emporium Melbourne is located at 286 Lonsdale Street, Melbourne. It is open 10am-9pm on Thursday and Friday, and 10am-7pm all other days. Images: Meg Watson