Five Tips to Surviving The Morrison’s Oyster Eating Contest

Thirty-six oysters are lined up in front of you. You've got to make those babies disappear quicker than any of the ravenous-looking individuals in the room can. At best, you want to take home the Grand Prix: a night's accommodation at Watson's Bay Boutique Hotel and a dinner for two at The Morrison. At worst, you don't want to end up like Lard Ass in Stand By Me — even if your worst enemy is at hand.

How you gonna come out of the Morrison's Oyster Eating Competition with your dignity intact? With these five tips, that's how. Oh, and skip the castor oil/raw egg combo.

GO FOR THE FOUR-IN-ONE

This might sound kind of scary, but it works. We know because The Morrison chef Sean Connolly — who, really, should be given an honorary PhD in oysters — told us so. Don't even think about swallowing till you've got four molluscs in your mouth. Then, without chewing, send them all down your oesophagus in one gigantic gulp, as though you were a Great Blue Whale going nuts on krill. Whatever you do, don't think about the Walrus and the Carpenter scene in Alice in Wonderland — and keep three oysters in your hand so you don't waste time between acts.

TEETOTAL ON THE DAY

If you've learnt anything from Mad Men's Roger Sterling and Don Draper's three martini, multiple dozen oyster and 21-storey stair climb lunch, keep off the booze. We know it sounds a bit prim and proper of us, but the fact is that alcohol and oysters, like singing karaoke and approaching your crush for the first time, don't mix. So, take our advice, and save your carousing for your victory party.

FORGET ALL THE MANNERS YOUR MAMA TAUGHT YOU

Let's face it, things are going to get a little bit ugly. This is not the time to demurely reach for your half-shell with your miniature fork, dilly-dally over sauces and keep up your Bondi beautiful. Throw your oyster etiquette right out the window. Forget the fact that everybody in the room is watching you and focus on the task at hand. That means getting your hands — and face — dirty.

TAKE A TIP FROM THE BLACK WIDOW AND JUMP ON THE TREADMILL

Sonya Thomas, aka The Black Widow, weighs less than 45 kilograms and is just 5' 2" tall, and yet she's broken more than 12 World Eating Records. On June 1, she won the Acme World Oyster Eating Championship when she consumed 40 dozen oysters in just eight minutes. What's her secret? In a 2013 interview, she said that she spends about two hours a day on the treadmill, keeping her stomach lean so that there's room for it to stretch. She also hangs out at all-you-can-eat buffets whenever she gets the chance.

PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT

Winning an eating contest isn't unlike winning any other event. To maximise your chances of taking home the title, you need to put in some serious practise. In other words, you officially have the best excuse ever to treat yourself to loads of oysters between today and The Morrison comp. Every now and again, set your watch and measure how quickly you can down a dozen or so. Don't overdo it, though, especially the night before — otherwise, you'll be all seafood-ed out.

The Morrison's Oyster Eating Competition is on Tuesday, August 19, and the fee is just $30 if you want to compete. It's part of the Morrison's Oyster Festival, which runs throughout August. It also includes $1 oyster happy hour daily in the champagne bar and an additional oyster menu in the restaurant with dishes such as carpetbag steak (that's steak, stuffed with oysters).