Five Things You Thought You Knew About Whisky

If you came here to learn about whisky from a snobby expert who will judge you for every wrong move you make, you're in the wrong place. I love a good whisky but I'm no connoisseur. In fact, there's every chance you know more about this fantastic spirit than I. But, if you've come here for some earnest advice from one of the most respected names in the world of whisky then stick around. What follows is a distilled (see what I did there) version of Bruichladdich head honcho Jim McEwan's evening of whisky and tall tales at Spring Hill’s United Service Club.

"Right now you don't know anything about me. I'm not your best pal," he said. "But by the end of the night you're going to love me. I will be your best pal, because of this wonderful drink. I've had so many proposals from drunken men it's not funny. Not so much from women." With that, we knew we were off to a good start.

Whisky tasting is a science

Yes, you should add a few drops of water to a good single malt, but McEwan says you can throw out all scientific formulas suggesting a drop of water for every 4.1364 per cent of alcohol or some such variation. Just test it in your mouth and if it's too 'hot', add water. "Measure the temperature on the tongue and then add water accordingly. It's like rain drops for roses. When you add a little bit of water to whisky it opens it up. There's no right way and wrong way of tasting whisky. There's a lot of whisky snobbery out there and it's rubbish."

You have to pay attention to the colour

"Colour means absolutely nothing," McEwan says. A darker whisky generally means there is more caramel food colouring added to it. "There's no tree in the world that will make whisky the same colour every single time. Look at the back bar in any bar. Look at some of the colours. Some of the colours are frightening."

Ideally, you should drink out of a fancy tumbler

No matter how much Mad Men you watch, the best way to drink a good whisky is not with a short, fat glass cupped in the palm of your hand and draped languidly over the edge of an expensive chesterfield armchair from the 1960s*. Instead, grab yourself some good sherry glasses. Just as with wine, the curve of the glass will force the aroma straight up that big schnoz of yours.

It's all in the taste buds

Jim McEwan is well aware of the sweet, salt, sour progression of taste buds from the tip of your tongue to the back (with bitter around the edges) but he says there's one more element you can’t forget when drinking a good single malt. "Lick your lips straight away," he says. "Lips are so sensitive they send a signal straight to the brain. They're sensitive enough for you to marry a person over a kiss. If the lips don't like it, like sour milk, they'll tell the brain. But if they do, you'll know."

Whisky makes you dopey

Of all the drops at Bruichladdich, the most experimental is perhaps the most famous: Octomore. Known as the most heavily peated — smoky, like your Uncle Dave’s lounge room — scotch in the world, with 167 phenol parts per million, Jim saved this treat 'til second last for a special performance.

He asks the audience to take a big gulp and hold the smokiest whisky they have ever tasted in their mouths until he says to swallow. The seconds tick by, someone has a minor spluttering attack, one or two glasses explode from the sheer suspense of it all. "When you swallow you will get that A-bomb feeling of power," he said. "This is the best orgasm your mouth will ever have." And let us tell you first hand — he's not wrong.

Bonus: Best places to taste good whisky in Brisbane

Fortunately Brisbane is home to a number of good whisky bars. The Gresham sits in the heart of the city, housed in a historic building and decked out with leather chesterfield couches and rich mahogany — you can't go wrong. Further afield, Nant Whiskey Bar in Fortitude Valley distills its own drops and The Morrison Hotel in Woolloongabba harbours Naked Whiskey Bar within. The Walrus Club tucked underneath The Regatta is a dimly lit rum cavern that also serves up a decent list of whiskies and last but not least, the secret bar at Kwan Brothers has an exciting range of Japanese whisky. What do they all have in common besides whisky? Like everything good, they are a little bit hard to find.

*Note: expensive 1960s armchair may or may not improve whisky tasting experience.