Scientifically, the only way to watch the entire Academy Awards sober and survive is if you actually win one on the night. For everyone else, there's booze. Presenting our best shot at a Best Original Screenplay: Concrete Playground's 2016 Oscar Drinking Game. Remember to always drink responsibly and don't forget to thank your fellow nominees.
- Jack Nicholson wears sunglasses.
- Harrison Ford wears an earring.
- Diane Keaton wears gloves.
- Jennifer Lawrence does something adorably "real". Three drinks if she trips and falls.
- Leo’s date is his mother.
- Host Chris Rock makes three or more jokes about the Oscars’ diversity problem.
- A non-human presents an award. Three drinks if it’s Chewbacca, C-3PO, R2-D2 or BB-8.
- Winner thanks God or Jesus.
- Winner pays tribute to their "extraordinary" fellow nominees.
- Winner is played off by the orchestra.
- Winner describes their film as "important".
- Winner describes their film’s director as "a genius" and/or "visionary".
- Kate Winslet talks on the red carpet about how happy she is for her "best friend" Leo.
- Chris Rock dresses up as the other black storm-trooper.
- Sylvester Stallone wins for Best Supporting Actor in Creed and delivers his speech using only the ‘A’ and ‘O’ vowels.
- Chris Rock asks if Meryl Streep wouldn’t mind giving Kanye a few of her Oscars to melt down and pay off some of his debt.
- Winner describes their film’s director as "a high-functioning sociopath".
- Travolta jokes that Scientology documentary Going Clear was "the best comedy of the year". Tom Cruise and Will Smith laugh heartily. Paul Haggis does not.
- Ryan Reynolds arrives dressed as Deadpool, just so no one forgets he’s finally had a hit.
- Oscar Isaac and Domhnall Gleeson perform a scene from Ex Machina dressed as Poe Dameron and General Hux.
- You’ve actually heard of one of the nominees for Documentary Short Subject or Foreign Language Film.
- Bryan Cranston wins Best Actor for Trumbo. Pulls face mask off to reveal he’s actually Dalton Trumbo.
- Chris Rock explains how he thought The Big Short was just a Tom Cruise biopic.
- Joaquin Phoenix comes dressed as a 19th century blacksmith.
- Winner thanks Allah or Mohammed.
- Jennifer Jason Leigh begins her acceptance speech with "REMEMBER ME!?" and then cackles maniacally until she’s forcibly removed from the stage.
- Kate Winslet’s accent changes markedly throughout her acceptance speech in a nod to her performance in Steve Jobs.
- Having scored acclaim for his last two roles as a cosmologist with a motor neurone disease and a transgender artist, Eddie Redmayne asks if anyone wants to cast him as an electrician or a plumber.
- Ridley Scott and/or Harrison Ford offers a plausible reason for making a sequel to Bladerunner that doesn’t include the words "pay cheque".
- You’ve actually seen one of the nominees for Documentary Short Subject or Foreign Language Film.
Finish Your Drink
- DiCaprio declines to accept his award.
- God appears and says he can only claim credit for the Best Sound Editing winner.
- The performance of 'Earned It' from Fifty Shades of Grey features five minutes of graphic S&M on stage.
- Winner for Spotlight thanks the Catholic Church "for making all of this possible".
- Peter Jackson announces plans to turn his valet parking receipt into an epic nine hour trilogy.
- Chris Rock doesn’t mention the Oscars’ diversity problem but performs a song and dance number in white face.
Published on February 27, 2016 by Tom Glasson