Tusk

Overview

Kevin Smith fans have to put up with a lot. His films in recent years have been akin to cruel and unusual punishment, especially when compared to his work in the 1990s that was comparatively affectionate and funny. His modus operandi these days appears to be to come up with ideas that are ripe for the cinematic picking — two friends making a sex tape to pay the bills in Zack and Miri Make a Porno; horny teenagers finding themselves in a fanatical religious cult after using an app to hook up with strangers in Red State — and defusing them of all their potential.

In Tusk, Wallace (Justin Long) is an incredibly rich (six figures a year!!) podcaster who ventures into the unknown to experience all the weird and wacky things that America has to offer before going back to the studio to spend an hour telling his travel-phobic co-host all about it. Their show is called The Not-See Party, and as if the joke wasn't bad enough, Smith finds the time to explain it over and over again like the idiot at a party who goes around telling all the guests the exact same risque joke under the belief that he's funny.

On one of his missions north of the border (cue terrible Canada jokes), Wallace is abducted by a psychotic madman named Howard Howe (Michael Parks), who wants to — and I am not making this up — turn his young guest into a walrus. Tusks and all.

It is The Human Centipede Goes to the Canadian Wilderness and it is quite easily the worst film I have seen all year. It's not even because of the bad acting — Parks goes for broke, but there's little to be said of the rest (Haley Joel Osment and Genesis Rodriguez), and Johnny Depp goes so far overboard he needs a paddle — or the way the film lacks any sense or logic or scares to make it a satisfying horror entry beyond the gruesomeness of its third act. No, where Smith and his screenplay go so completely wrong is the laziness that overcomes the film.

The jokes that come thick and fast can barely even be described as jokes. These are lowest-common-denominator gags that go for cheap, easy laughs over genuine smarts and wit. The horror is underutilised, the tragic nature of this character undermined by a stoner childishness that renders the material unwatchable. Even stoners deserve better than this.

This is a movie that filled me with such contempt for its filmmaker that I want to swear off ever seeing another one of his films ever again. Life is too short for whatever cheap, cynical nastiness he has in store next.